There and later

Rhona Canoy .

SO… In the past few months, I have had to say goodbye to a number of lifetime friends who have passed away. And, I suppose like everyone else, these events give me pause to consider the value of my time spent here on earth. In truth, there is nothing I can say about what happens to us when we become worm food because that is a matter of personal belief. However, for as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will continue to be critical and analytical of the things that intrigue me.

We go through most of our lives never questioning the path which has been laid before us by those who have gone before. No matter what changes and improvements have occurred, we tread the same beaten road which our parents paved for us, never questioning the reasons and the value of the life we are supposed to live. We are born, to be raised by our parents in a manner which they see fit. Their lives as well are determined by the offspring who have entered their lives. As children, we are told what to believe, what to profess, what is expected of us. We go to school as expected, get good grades as expected, completing the levels preordained by the Department of Education.

After finishing high school, for those privileged and blessed enough to go to college, more years of academic pursuit. For others whose life necessitates finding employment and providing for the family, the drudgery begins early. Work will eventually capture us all. Chasing after what we consider to be security for our lives and for our future. It starts with gainful employment, looking for jobs which we hope to keep for a long time, to gain seniority and the assurance of never being without. Dreams of owning a house, buying a car, furnishing our domiciles with appliances, hopefully having enough left over to indulge our vanities. The longest stage in our lives.

We work so hard, saving up for our children’s education and the probability that we may even have to provide support for them while they in turn seek the security which we hold so tightly. Working, working, working, with the faint dream of retirement in the faraway future. Strangely enough, most people only save up for retirement without any plans for what to do when they get there. All the rat race and hamster wheeling to ensure our old age. And then old age catches us by surprise, and our lives have been spent chasing after the future which we don’t know what to do with when it becomes the now.

I sometimes wonder… what do we fill our lives with? At the end of the road, what do we have? What have we lived for? We miss so many experiences with our children and our loved ones because we have been too busy. School activities, trips to the beach, a lazy afternoon flying kites because the wind is just right. Showing our families places we used to go to when we ourselves were children. Honoring the continuity of our lives.

I listen to my dad tell stories of the old Cagayan de Oro, when he was a boy. Of the eccentricities of the old people of his time, the long-gone spots beside the river where they used to fish. Of the people who have come and gone. In the same way that I tell my grandson stories of the city when I was a girl. Of what buildings used to be there. Of the old hot and steamy movie houses which showed double features for 25 centavos if you didn’t want to sit in the balcony. Of my there and then.

When I became a mother, I made the decision to live my life with my child, life in the here and now. The choice to save up for tomorrow seemed less consequential than to give my daughter experiences which would show her the world through experiences. Starry nights spent on Bohol mats under the stars looking for UFO’s. Day trips to secluded beaches, gathering shells and sand dollars. Showing her how to cook rice over a wood fire because we ran out of LPG. Going to funerals and talking about death as a part of life. I don’t regret not preparing for my old age. I don’t regret not having any savings. I don’t regret spending whatever money I may have had left at any given time to fill our lives with life. To eat strange food, to watch plays, to listen to concerts. To live each day with gusto, and to deal with the bad as well as the good.