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By Rhona Canoy

SO… Having had the privilege to attend a memorial service for a highly-regarded man, my odd habit of observing what goes on around me once again took over my attention. I shall leave the platitudes and praises for the dearly departed to others. Let me talk about the living beings who were around.

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Okay. A lot of things caught my attention. I understand that people do want to pay their last respects to the dearly departed, regardless of whether that person was high profile or not. But these events are always for the benefit of those who are left to grieve. For the family, the loss cannot be measured nor eased in any way. We take it upon faith that the soul of the departed can see and appreciate the outpouring of affection and attention. And there is some peculiar comfort for the family to see and feel the regard that many had for their dead.

But I digress. It was kind of bemusing to see a clearly-marked VIP section. The first couple of rows in front of the bier was reserved for those who were deemed worthy(?). Although a whole bunch of people were left standing in the back of the room because of the lack of available chairs, no one seemed brave enough to occupy the empty seats of the VIP section. I don’t know why people feel they aren’t worthy. After all, the service was more than halfway over. And if any “VIP” was going to arrive, they could always give up their seats to them.

Like we always say, we only really get together at weddings, baptisms, and funerals. Needless to say, the opportunity to socialize with people we don’t see on a regular basis is to be greatly appreciated. And since the most important person at a funeral is not going to sit up and complain for lack of attention, then the living don’t hide the joy at seeing people whom they haven’t seen in ages. So much catching up to do, so many things to talk about, smiles and surreptitious laughter so as not to offend the grieving family. But reunions, nevertheless.

There must have been enough flowers to cover the cost of at least hundred sacks of rice. How many hungry people could that feed? While the flowers will last only for a few days and eventually end up on the garbage heap. Enough wood from those wreath frames to repair someone’s beat-up shanty. Does anyone ever repurpose them?

Wakes cost so much money. And yet we stick to tradition. We will go into debt just to hold a proper wake. Food and drinks. Venue. Manpower. Death can be a major production. But no matter what we spend, it is in how we choose to remember and honor the dearly departed that matters, in the end. The words of high praise and the platitudes will not ease the pain of those left behind. Even if the presence of many who offer condolences can provide fleeting comfort, the pain of losing a deeply loved one remains.

The inevitability of dying and death is the only sure thing in life. And yet we live like it’s never going to happen. Pinoys don’t like to talk about preparing for death, harboring some superstition that talking about it will bring death closer. So, many people are left unprepared for when death comes to knock at the family’s door. There is no practicality in that. We plan so greatly for weddings, baptisms, birthdays. But we don’t want to face the reality of death and all that it brings. The living still need to make plans for when a loved one dies.

My mom’s passing made it clear to us that even to the very end, she had it all planned. She was practical, and she certainly knew what she wanted and didn’t want. She also made it very clear to us that we were bound in all ways to carry out her wishes. And in hindsight, I realize just how much she cared to make sure that we were prepared. Which taught me how to prepare for my time, when it comes. Because it’s going to, whether I fear it or welcome it.

Life is truly to be celebrated, even in death. Saying goodbye brings people together. It reconnects people. It reminds us that there is so much to celebrate. About the dearly departed, and about the life we have left to live. It gives us a chance to reevaluate our lives, and to make what’s left of it worth celebrating when we go. All we leave behind when we die are the memories whether we like it or not, and those will die too when the last one who remembers us is gone. That’s really all we can do. And to live a full life takes care of that.

Of course, the way I see it, there will be some people who will show up at my wake just to make sure I’m really dead. They’ll celebrate that too.

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