Parental ignorance

Rhona Canoy .

SO… I just came back from a trip. These random forays to other places always manage to show me some insights into our human condition which usually go unnoticed. This time, my focus was drawn to how our little children are being raised to be unprepared for what lies ahead. And parents usually are blind to their ways. After all, who else can we blame?

I’m so tired of people complaining about how our millennials are entitled, irresponsible, lack focus, are disrespectful, etcetera, etcetera. There is no denying that’s what they are. But they can’t all be blamed for it. And the ideas that flow out (like bringing back Good Manners and Right Conduct into the school curriculum) which are supposed to address these issues are ludicrous because they don’t get anywhere near the root of the problem. And just what exactly is the root of the problem?

Parents are taking a different and problematic approach to parenting, no matter how well-versed they think they are at this job. Parents these days are allowing their children to rule over them. Case in point: I watched a couple of harassed parents suffer through their child’s meltdown because she wanted to sit beside her brother on the plane. Obviously, each parent had decided to be in charge of one child each for the trip. So to seat them both together would have created a situation which they didn’t seem to want to deal with.

The misfortune was that I had to sit right behind the mom (who was seated with the little boy), which gave me a ringside seat to the whole crisis. There was yelling, screaming, foot-stomping which converted to kicking of the seat in front, tears, refusal to stay buckled to the seat (unfortunately, an airline regulation), copious tears and mucus, and the obvious refusal to be appeased by all sorts of bribes.

Mom and Dad were showing signs of weariness and exasperation, as there seemed to be no letting up of the tantrum in sight. Now, this situation is common enough, and for observers, there is always the question of why parents can’t seem to have any control of their kids. And yet the answer to this question is simple. For what parent can control a child who is forever being allowed to have their way?

All children as they grow up need structure. What exactly does this mean? It means rules which can’t be bent or broken. It means having routines which are not negotiable. It means teaching children that it’s not about getting what they want. It’s about parents being firm. These things sound simple enough, but parents these days have some erroneous idea that their children have to like them. Parents have this erroneous idea that when they say “No” their children will automatically obey. Parents have this erroneous idea that their children are prized possessions which they proudly show off to the world. All these misconceptions lead to raising children who don’t understand just how the world works.

Bribery and negotiations are two strategies that have no place in parenthood. One shouldn’t dangle a prize as payback for proper behavior. Children are devious and smart. They quickly realize that this is a power play and that they are the ones with power. This is easy to see because it is the grownup who bears gifts in exchange for a favor. Those behaviors parents desperately seek to see in their children are not being learned. They are favors being granted by the rulers of the household in exchange for gifts as payment. And the sooner parents learn this, the sooner the balance of power returns to its proper place.

Loving our children doesn’t mean giving them everything they want. Loving our children means giving them everything they need. Vast difference here. The kids don’t need the gadgets and toys. They don’t need the expensive clothes and shoes. They need discipline. They need to know that their parents are in control. They need to know that they are safe. They need to know that they are being molded and shaped to become good people.

Kids lie because they know they are lied to. Kids manipulate because they know they are being manipulated. Kids are disrespectful because they know they aren’t being respected. It’s as simple as that. And yet these concepts seem to elude most parents. And that’s why, in the end, we can’t totally blame these kids for becoming the imperfect creatures they grow up to be. Parents are already making them believe that they are perfect, so what else is there for them to strive for?

Credit must be given to those airplane parents who absolutely refused to surrender to their little girl’s demands. But then I also wonder how different the scenario would have been if they weren’t trapped in a tiny steel tube travelling several hundred of kilometers per hour, thousands of feet above the ground.