I write columns while traveling from uptown to downtown and vice versa. Thanks to the traffic, Ms Behavin’ continues to churn out three columns per week. With the Christmas traffic, I can finish writing all three in one day.

With the Cagayan de Oro traffic on Tuesday that started at about 5 pm, no thanks to the city’s Christmas launching of “Pasko de Oro,” I was able to write this column. Yay. I was stuck in traffic at Velez Street for more than one hour. The travel time from Centrio Mall to the uptown crib was almost two hours.

City Hall should rename “Pasko de Oro” to Traffic de Oro. They should have made the launching on December 8 which was a non-working holiday.

If it’s payout time before Election Day when the long and winding lines at the payout venues can cause traffic even at 12 midnight, I can write columns for the whole month.

Payouts for what? Uh. Ulan-ulan, anyone? English translation: political campaign bribes. And because the Pinoy allegedly votes for the candidate who offers the highest bribe, he always ends up with the same kind of government since the 1986 People Power.

This People-Power trend started after martial law was declared on September 21, 1972 when the Pinoy began protesting against, uh, martial law and the dictatorship of then President Ferdinand Marcos Sr.

The 1986 People Power was my one and only exposure to the world of protests. Never again. Especially now, after realizing that the government I’ll be protesting against will only be replaced by the same.

Pinas needs a major overhaul, not just a change oil. Like a lifestyle change for health, not just a diet for weight loss. And the Pinoy himself needs to change, not just the government. But it’s a chicken or egg situation: which comes first — the Pinoy who demands commissions or the Pinoy who gives commissions? Better the giver than the taker? Because it’s Christmas, anyway. Give until it hurts. Ouch.

That seems to be what Pinas’s government wants — for the Pinoy to give until it hurts.

So, there’s the government official who has 14 cars in his garage. There can be more in his other houses and garages, or in the houses and garages of his dummies.

Dummies should read those yellow and black books for dummies such as the “Cooking for Dummies” which I bought many years ago, and it has remained part of my Tsundoku habit — buying books without reading them.

There should be ‘Grafting and Corrupting for Dummies,’ ‘Flood Control Projects for Dummies,’ and ‘Ghost Projects for Dummies.’

A dummy is a corrupt government official’s best friend. The dummy has to remember that the asset entrusted to him is under his name. Therefore, it’s legally his although it belongs to the corrupt official who cannot justify the acquisition of the asset, thus, there’s the dummy whose Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Net Worth can hopefully support such an acquisition.

The wise but corrupt government official should ensure the dummy’s loyalty. But how? Through threats? Since the official can’t prepare a document signifying he’s the asset’s actual owner.

So, yes, through threats. His best bet is to use a dummy whom he can control. Or blackmail.