“You’re so vain / You probably think this song is about you,” goes the Carly Simon classic.
But here’s what Google will tell you: “Vanity is often a key feature of a narcissist, but a narcissist and a vain person are not always the same thing. Vanity is an excessive focus on physical appearance, clothing, or how one looks to others. While many narcissists show extreme vanity, narcissism goes much deeper into personality and behavior.”
Google adds:
“Vain without being a narcissist: A person can care a lot about clothes, hair, or fitness while still having empathy, being kind, and caring about others.”
“Narcissist without being vain: Some narcissists don’t care much about physical looks. Instead, they pride themselves on being the smartest person in the room, the most pious, or the toughest survivor.”
“Narcissists frequently target and destroy other people’s reputations, particularly when they feel threatened, rejected, or exposed. This behavior is a deliberate tactic to protect their own fragile ego and maintain control.”
How? Google adds more:
“Smear Campaigns: They spread lies or half-truths to isolate their victim and get ahead of the narrative before the victim can tell the truth.”
“Shifting Blame: They project their own bad behavior onto the victim, making the victim look like the abuser or the problem.”
“Ego Recovery: Defeating or humiliating someone else restores their own false sense of superiority and power.”
“Securing Allies: They manipulate others—the so-called ‘flying monkeys’—into taking their side, turning a social circle or workplace against the victim.”
“Victim Mindset: They genuinely believe they are the injured party and view their destructive behavior as justified revenge or self-defense.”
“Lack of Empathy: They feel no guilt or remorse about the emotional, social, or professional damage they cause.”
And the narcissist will be extremely happy to learn this column is about her. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative, for as long as the attention is on her.
There are several Facebook pages about narcissists and one of them posted this: “Narcissists sabotage birthdays, holidays, and vacations because they can’t stand joy that isn’t centered on them.”
And then you realize—if only you had known that so-called friend was a narcissist, you would have handled that particular situation she dragged you into differently.
There will be signs, and I’ve already enumerated some of them above. You’ve been warned.
I have an empath friend who has been a victim of at least three narcissists already. Third time’s the charm, indeed—she now knows how to deal with the third one, and that is to ignore her completely.
She has no idea how the third narcissist’s life is going unless someone else shares updates, which she’s not interested in anyway. So should she now tell the updater to STFU—shut the f*** up—because the more people talk about the narcissist, the happier the latter becomes.
Whatever the talk is, good or bad, it still makes the narcissist feel important. The empath, on the other hand, will be anxious about any gossip that concerns her.
The empath can be a narcissist’s most thoughtful and caring ally, as long as she is unaware of what a narcissist is. But the moment the empath learns enough about narcissism, she learns to stay away from those who live that behavior.
