By Rhona Canoy SO… I had a recent encounter with a parent which weighs heavily on my mind. This is certainly not the first time that I am writing about parenthood, but it is surely something that I consider a work in progress. As human beings, we have a general belief that parental instincts come naturally. I suppose this is true, but so much has happened since we were Cro-Magnon. It cannot be regarded as alternative truth that mammals (which we certainly are) have the most developed maternal sense. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how fathers see themselves, not being one myself. Most of our skills and attitudes which we invoke when we become fathers and mothers we learned by osmosis from our own parents. As children we don’t question how we are raised, accepting the demi-god status parents have in our household. Lawmaker, nurturer, provider, counselor, police, caregiver, judge, resident bully, punisher. In one form or another. Among other things. All of these rolled up into a confusing ball wrapped up in “We love you so very, very much.” And as we grow, we become them. Didn’t it ever bother you the very first time you told yourself, “Oh, my God! I sound like my mom/dad!” Still the questions beg asking (and if you are a frequent reader of my mental meanderings, there are a lot of beggars waiting in line). As parents, do we actually know why we do what we do? Do we parent because we understand why our children need guidance? Do we parent because we love the power it gives us? Do we parent because one day our children will be set free to find their own way? Do we parent because we live vicariously through our children? Do we parent so that our children are beholden to us for the rest of their lives? How often have I heard the words, “I am here to protect the rights of my child.” Noble words, indeed. And yet, wouldn’t it be nobler to teach our children to become self-aware of their value as human beings? To teach them to be independent? To teach them to be responsible? To teach them to fight their own battles? To teach them to be accountable? These questions frequently wander through my mind because I see bullying and a sense of entitlement escalate. And I often wonder what parents do to make this so. I must hold parents accountable because these little creatures are born without an inkling of what awaits them. It’s the grown-ups who plant these seeds into their very fertile minds. As a parent myself, I practice what I preach. It is not to be said that I don’t make mistakes, because I have made some that are worthy of the record books. But since my daughter is all grown-up now and a wife and mother herself, my parenting is very minimal now and mostly on-demand. As a parent, I have been called malupit, kuripot, sobra. Subject to interpretation, I agree. As a parent, I made the choice to challenge the things I disagreed with, and to find my own way. It is a choice I have never and still do not regret. True, I made a lot of compromises (I don’t like the word sacrifice because I don’t agree with what it connotes), and I stretched my limits to the point of breaking. But everything was so worth it. No yaya, no maid, doing everything on my own made me treasure and value every single act, and every single lesson (suggestion really) that I hoped my child would learn. To be conscious that everything I did and said would serve as an example was the most challenging of all. But I learned my lessons as well. Not to swear in front of my baby (although I can put most foul-mouthed beasts to shame). Proudly let me say she doesn’t swear AT ALL! To apologize for mistakes I made, for hurting her feelings, for breaching boundaries, for my failures. Not to guilt her into doing things I wanted her to do (difficult but possible). And many other things which I must admit have made me a better person. I owe her for that. It was heartbreaking to let her be independent, to watch her make mistakes and suffer the consequences, but how rewarding it was to see her get back up, to fight her own battles, to win some, and to graciously handle defeat. So I learned to try my best to be unconditional, to be non-judgmental, to accept that her journey is not mine to determine. I cannot judge other parents although I often find myself silently critical. There is only the hope that they realize how important what they leave behind is. Somewhere I read this and it makes the best sense: “It is not the job of parents to raise children to face a cruel and harsh world. It is the job of parents to raise children who will make the world less cruel and less harsh.” So, parents, let me leave you with this reminder—parenting is never about us. Leave your ego at the door.