Boring

Netnet Camomot

A FRIEND offered to give me a makeover before this year ends. Apparently, I look boring. I wear navy or black tops, denim jeans, and FitFlops most of the time, and these are not the clothes nor the colors for success. No wonder I’m stuck, with success always too far away for me to grab.

This is not the first time that I’m being critiqued for my appearance. In the late ’80s when I relied on fashion designers for dresses, tops and skirts, I’d buy various kinds of fabrics in Manila and have them sewn here. But that didn’t stop another friend to notice and say, “Nakaibbon gyud?” Haha! My blouse had this huge ribbon on the left shoulder and I thought that made me look great.

And then there was that studio portrait with my high school berks in the late ’80s again, and I had blue eyeshadow. O my gas.

I used to have long red nails ready to scratch someone’s face, had high heels for the dresses and skirts, had long wavy hair.

I wore makeup when I was younger, from college up to the time when I started working. After that, I was in a business that required no makeup and nice clothes, so I got used to looking as simple as possible. The nails are bare and short, I’m more comfortable in flats, and I prefer wash-and-wear hair. I’d rather read a book than think of dressing up.

Which of course leads to the lack of a lovelife. Men are not attracted to women who look boring and love to read–that’s the worst combination ever. They go, Yuck, she’s blah, she reads, ewww! NBSB–no boyfriend since birth. Wawa naman me. Imagine, a virgin at my age. O my gas.

I love giving advice to women in their 20s to go and have sex already while they’re young and can still indulge in all the positions of the Kama Sutra. Because if they’ll start having sex at my age, they will damage their backs, necks, elbows, and wrists. And if a certain body part is dry, ouch. The “drive” is not the same once people reach a certain age. Yes, most probably the old couple will read books rather than have fun between the sheets.

The secret behind the success of anything, including sex, is to let go. Let go of your inhibitions, your fears, your interpretation of the Bible. There’s this friend who says that only the missionary position is allowed by the Bible. She believes it’s a sin to do all the other positions. Tsk tsk. Wawa naman the partner.

I don’t know how anyone could survive through one single position for the rest of his life. For the guy to be always on top, and the girl to be always at the bottom, simply receiving whatever is offered to her and never requesting for more. Wham bam thank you ma’am.

Relationships though have other matters to take care of aside from what happens in bed. The morning after, despite the afterglow, the couple still has to deal with reality again–go to work, pay bills, put food on the table. It’s possible that their bed behavior could be the only great thing in the relationship but not enough to keep it alive and kicking.

But then, what do I know? It’s past 4 am, there are two mayors occupying city hall, unless one of them has finally given up and decided to wait for Election Day 2016. Holding on to a post that’s not truly yours must be one form of the worst behavior ever, with or without a bed, for there are beds which do have posts that a partner can hold on to in making a position possible.

There are mayors known for their bed behavior, sometimes with partners in plural form although not necessarily occupying the same bed. These mayors’ rivals in politics may use that as a campaign strategy against them, but voters are concerned about performance in the office rather than in bed. In other words, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

There are places that have one boring mayor and an even more boring vice mayor. At least Cagayan de Oro has only one of the two. Hmmm. A-point pa more?