To soothe my battered spirit

Rhona Canoy .

SO… To the few who have had a ringside seat to the events in my life, it is no secret that I’ve had to overcome some really overwhelming things. Because my work includes the responsibility to provide mental and emotional support to people of different ages, I suppose my experiences and how I chose to deal with them have given me the blessing of resources to draw upon in order to do my job effectively. And my constant curiosity to learn from other people’s experiences also provides me with insights to the functionings of the human spirit.

The one thing that all human beings (and I think the more sentient animals, too) have in common is that we are shaped by our experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant. Whether we are aware of it or not, these things that affect us change us from that point onward. They affect how our world is colored, how we perceive right and wrong, how we react to events that come our way, how we feel in reaction to these events. It would be wonderful to imagine that more good things happen to us, but that is not the case. And so in our becoming, we are hewn and sculptured by the negative experiences we have had to survive. The greatest tragedy of it all is that we seldom take the time and energy to be aware and self-contemplative about these things. And so we maneuver our way through life never really knowing how we came to be the people that we are. Also remaining oblivious to the fact that our evolution as beings is driven mostly by the “bad” things that happen to us.

I spend a lot of my time listening to people talk about what is happening or has happened in their lives. It weighs on me that much of these tellings focus on pain, fear, disappointment (in themselves and others, or to others), a sense of failure, unfairness, and anger. Lots and lots of anger. Perhaps the reason why I hear them is because I am familiar with these emotions, and the injuries to my spirit which led to their rise in me. And perhaps the reason why I empathize is because I try to make some sense of these things.

We don’t realize how we are affected by negative events in our lives. How these events change us. When “bad” things happen, it is in the nature of the human being to respond. Sense of survival and all that. And it is in our nature to run away from these things, in one way or another. If we are unable to run away from the circumstance, then we surely run away from the resulting emotions. The one very important coping skill which few ever learn is to understand the root of our feelings and reactions.

One of my students almost got into a fistfight with one of his schoolmates because a statement he overheard angered him. In a common school environment, the easy way to deal with this is to establish culpability and hand out the “appropriate” sanction. In so doing, a fertile teaching opportunity is thrown away. Talking with him, it surfaced that there are family issues that he has been consciously avoiding and yet his anger stems from this. And is misdirected because he feels he can’t be angry at those who cause his anger. And like any one of us, he is being shaped by sustained exposure to this unpleasant situation. We seldom think of how we are programmed to react to the world and to life by our spiritual wounds. It is easier to believe that our prejudices and biases are a result of our moral standards and beliefs. It is easier to believe that our opinions and actions are motivated by our desire to do right and to be right. It is easier to be judgmental and define other people’s wrongness by some standard we can hide behind.

When I found myself trying to understand the hurtful events in my own life which violently colored my world and my being, my first instinct was to hide behind the defensive walls I elaborately constructed. It is always easier to stay in denial, to find blame in others or in the circumstance. As my hatred and anger grew, where these feelings were misdirected became more and more unmanageable until one day I realized that I could no longer recognize myself. And thus started my journey to self-awareness.

The difficult part was taking the step to acknowledge that I was a result of the things that happened to me. That my feelings, my reactions, my opinions, my beliefs, my judgments, my decisions, my choices were shaped by the things over which I had no control. And in doing so, realizing that although I couldn’t change these events, I could certainly change how I viewed their effect on me. Deeply philosophical, you think? I like to see it as my journey to Yodahood. The reshaping of my spirit. But it comes with the intense pain of dissecting myself, sometimes more painful than the original experience. It is so easy for people to say, “Be honest with yourself.” What is not easy is to accept that we are the best liars to ourselves. And the most gullible, eagerly willing to believe anything we tell ourselves.

In acknowledging that I have control over how my past affects me, I open the door to limitless positive possibilities. In using my painful experiences to understand others, I have given these experiences a usefulness that takes away its power over me. In understanding how my spirit was shaped by negative events, I was given the gift of being able to accept others without judgment or condition because I will never know how their spirits were shaped by their negative events. In trying to unearth the source of my anger, I had to accept accountability for the devastating events where it all began. And learned to change my language.

It is always easier to say, “I am angry at someone because they fooled me.” That’s a common and cowardly defense. After all, who wants to be angry at themselves? When the sentence rephrases to, “I’m angry at myself for letting them fool me,” it becomes more difficult to accept. And yet we have no control over why other people do what they do. And this lack of control over others bothers us. Why? I suppose because it’s easier to tell others what to do and be disappointed when they don’t, than it is to look at ourselves and acknowledge that there is some work we need to do.

I am far from perfect, and I will remain so till my death. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to gain a wider perspective of myself and how I function in this world. And I have learned to refuse. Refuse to let the things that injure my spirit shape me. Therefore, I must choose to heal myself. And find my own value. Because, like this column which has a lot of “I’s”, it’s up to me and no one else. So I must decide that I matter.