Anal orifices

By Rhona Canoy

SO… Warning: The only reason I can make the offensive statements that follow is because I’m Pinoy. No foreigner or alien has a reason or cause to publicly make similar statements. They can think them, just never say them out loud.

If you pay enough attention to what happens when you’re stuck in traffic, the Filipino mindset will become clear to you. And if you are bored or unoccupied enough to make the next leap, it will make many things beyond the traffic clearer and more irritating. All I’m saying is take a look at the bigger picture or set your mind cam to panoramic.

We Pinoys are complainers. You will either see or hear the utterances when stuck in traffic. Why it’s not moving. Why the RTA guy is not doing his job. Why no one seems to be doing anything about it. Why our public utility vehicle drivers are nincompoops. And we’ll do the same thing in life. No matter what, we love to complain. It is easy for any Pinoy to identify the issue at hand. We all know what’s wrong, and we will not hesitate to make ourselves heard about it. But then we don’t do anything to find a solution to the problem. We will complain about the same things that we do. We’re just a**holes.

We Pinoys are selfish. You will see every driver on the road trying to position himself (yeah, those are usually him drivers) in a better lane, or ahead of the snarl, at the expense of all other drivers. We don’t have the patience to suffer as others do in the same given situation. We will do what’s necessary to be at the head of the line. We rarely let a driver in a bind into our lane, and we will hurl epithets at the driver ahead of us if they show kindness to another driver. And we’ll do the same thing in life. We’ll bend the rules just to be ahead. We’ll hurt people’s feelings or beat others down just so we aren’t inconvenienced. And if we can’t, then we feel upset or offended. We’re just a**holes.

We Pinoys don’t like rules or laws. You will see someone get into the wrong lane just to beat traffic. We will take a left turn at a no-left-turn intersection just because there is no one watching. Motorcycles will overtake recklessly on the right side, squeezing into non-existent lanes, just to gain a couple of seconds of traffic time. And we will get seriously torn up if a traffic officer pulls us over for a violation. Which, by the way, we will never admit to or have a gazillion reasons to hide behind. And we’ll do the same thing in life. Bypass the rules. Never admitting guilt or accountability. And we will drive away with a self-satisfied smirk if we get away with it. We’re just a**holes.

We Pinoys are elitists and condescending. You can see the more expensive cars and SUVs drive as though they were in their own backyard. In any given traffic confrontation, the more expensive cars will be driven by people who feel that any traffic accident is the fault of the cheaper car. And we’ll do the same thing in life. People who perceive themselves as belonging to a higher social or economic strata will treat lesser beings with no respect, and demand reverential treatment in return. We’re just a**holes.

We Pinoys are oblivious to the world around us. Part of being selfish (as mentioned above), I suppose. We will get into traffic, giving the mandatory but cursory attention to oncoming vehicles so we don’t get hit. But once we get into the traffic groove, we hardly pay much attention to what goes on in the lanes and vehicles surrounding us. And we’ll do the same thing in life. We only give minimal attention to the inconveniences, hardly giving value to the fact that we have to exist in a neighborhood, a community, a city, a province, a country. Hardly giving any thought to being part of the collective. We’re just a**holes.

We Pinoys are pigs. You will often see trash flying out of vehicle windows, left to flutter around and eventually settle on the roadway or the gutter. We will treat the world outside our cars as one big garbage dumpster, waiting to receive our castoffs and filthy refuse with resignation and despair. And we’ll do the same thing in life. We will throw out all our trash (both material and emotional) out there into the world without any hesitation or consideration for others. Expecting someone else to clean up after us. We’re just a**holes.

We Pinoys pride ourselves in being hospitable—mostly only to people we deem equal or superior to us, and certainly to white-skinned aliens. We Pinoys pride ourselves in being warm—mostly only to people we deem equal or superior to us, and certainly to white-skinned aliens. We Pinoys pride ourselves in being giving and generous—mostly when it suits us, and the photo-op value is high. We Pinoys pride ourselves in being happy and full of smiles—mostly when it suits us, and the photo-op value is high.

But the other things I know about us aren’t as nice as we want to think. We are a disagreeable bunch of greedy, selfish, irritating, thoughtless pigs. Sometimes I wonder if we have it in us to be conscious of leaving the world a better place. Don’t get me wrong. I am Pinoy. I will always be Pinoy. But often it’s hard to love us. We’re just a**holes.