On fatherhood

Churchill Aguilar

POLITICS aside, let me share my kryptonite. My first born child is turning eight months on the 9th. For someone who became a dad at 35, fatherhood is a whole new world. For the first time in my life I began to hesitate.

You see, I was always bold in all my decisions. I could quit a job in a click and land into a new one a few minutes after.  I was also used to moving from place to place. The first major risk I took was to leave home at age 17 against my parents’ wishes. I managed to fend for myself and spend even for my post graduate schooling. At a very young age, I knew that all I need are my shrewdness and my skills and I will be more than fine.

I have extensively traveled the country catering high-profile clients armed with nothing but my experience and a backpack. I was more than welcome in the places I went. But when things no longer sit well with my principles I leave–that simple. And then I start anew at some new place and root again.

But all that has changed when my daughter was born. For the first time in my life I began to hesitate. I began to look beyond what is now. I still don’t make compromises when it comes to forging communities and delivering public services (there are just non-negotiable things) but I now got strongly anchored.

I could not imagine a tiny creature could ever change my heart. A helpless cry baby has controlled me. I was always unfazed even by threats in my life that comes with my work, but this cub, this infant, this tiny Isabela has become my kryptonite.

But I am more than happy to be slaved by my affection to my little one. Because for the first time, working hard starts to make sense. I began to see a different kind of meaning to the things I do. If before, building my portfolio was for self-actualization, this time it’s for building a family.

My Isabela is now good at crawling and is making countless attempts to walk. She mutters and mumbles indistinctly. She cries and she cries a lot, but when she smiles as she always does at the sight of me I automatically get under her spell. Then she would crawl fast to my side and lean her head to my chest – the more I get powerless.

It feels like the world stops every time she stares at me and mumbles words I could hardly decipher. And then all my tiredness gone, just like that. Then I begin to worry, what future awaits her? What life will she have to face? Will I still be there to protect her? Would she have enough to get by on rainy days?

But more than the worries is a fountain of hope that my Isabela will be great someday. While she was still in her mother’s womb, I have had premonitions that she would be a healer.  That she will bring light and love to wherever place she’d be. And just like how she melts my heart, she would captivate the world with her purity. Confidently beautiful with a heart.