Snappy memes

Netnet Camomot

HOW many calories are there in one calzone? Hmmm. Who’s asking? Haha! It’s basically pizza but folded like a huge empanada.

A dieter is not supposed to eat anything outside of protein shakes, fish, and veggies. But for one who had to stay home like a hermit for two months, a calzone is well-deserved.

It all began with a feast at a farm in Bukidnon two Saturdays ago. That was the appetizer. Then, followed by a series of indulging in yummy food again last week. Wednesday lunch at S&R, Wednesday dinner at Choobi Choobi Limketkai branch, Thursday lunch was S&R’s pepperoni calzone, Thursday dinner was at Choobi Choobi Centrio, Friday dinner was potluck here at home, Saturday lunch was paksiw, pritchon, and leftovers from the potluck dinner, Saturday evening was for a birthday party at Pryce Plaza. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we eat, drink, and be merry again. Burp.

Of course, I gained about a pound daily. That’s at least four pounds in one week. That was a hard lesson to learn, thanks to this bamboo weighing scale bought at S&R, with its huge numbers blinking as if to warn how huge the body would be had I continued indulging in yummy food.

But who cares about body weight once you see a meme of Jollibee sitting on a stairway, head bowed, presumably sad, with these words: “Buti pa ang McDo may hotel na.”

Or how about this meme with photos of both witness Edgar Matobato and Ronald McDonald. Matobato: “Sa McDonald’s pinatay si Richard King.” McDonald, holding a landline phone: “Hello Burger King? Wala akong kinalaman sa pagpatay sa kapatid mo.”

I’m still clueless on what happened last week at the Senate hearing on extrajudicial killings. Still, if the new administration is bent on stopping the drug menace, the hearing could probably produce only more memes.

Memes can be fun and funny. Like Mad magazine’s cartoons.

Al Jaffee’s “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” are—were?—also featured in Mad.

Here’s one featured topic: Leaking Pipe. Stupid question from a woman who’s looking at leaky ceiling: “Is that from a leaking pipe?” The plumber’s snappy answers: “No, it’s from somebody watering their lawn upstairs”; “No, your house is crying because you’re so freakin’ stupid”; “No, that water’s coming from a flooded basement in China.”

Another topic: Starbucks. Stupid question from a woman who’s inside a Starbucks branch: “Is this a Starbucks?” The barista’s snappy answers: “No, this is a private home. Would you like to meet the rest of the Starbucks family?”; “A Starbucks? You mean there’s more than one?!?”; “No, it’s a mental asylum—here’s your cup of meds, you kook!”

Last but not least: Highway Patrol Edition. Stupid question from a woman in the driver’s seat: “Was I speeding?” The highway patrol officer’s snappy answers: “No, you were standing still. It’s the scenery that’s been whizzing by at 90 miles an hour”; “No, I got lonely and decided to stop you for a little chat”; “Sorry, could you repeat that? My ears are still ringing from the sonic boom when you passed me.”

Our family used to have two favorite magazines: Mad and Jingle. My youngest bro, nephew and nieces still buy Mad up to this day.

Mad was the funny one, while Jingle was for songs with chords, and pieces with bylines that are now editors and columnists in national broadsheets. Those were relaxing days, we were young, with no huge responsibilities on our shoulders, nor an excess body weight to get rid of.

That was also the time when we listened to Tito, Vic and Joey’s jokes over and over again until we had memorized the lines.

Tito Sotto is now a senator, Vic Sotto is married to Pauleen Luna who was a contestant in “Eat Bulaga’s “Little Miss Philippines” in 1995, and Joey is… Hmmm, I’ve not watched their noontime show lately. But I guess it’s still about AlDub.

We were too young to feel then the effects of martial law which our parents and grandparents didn’t seem to mind. They simply continued their lives, and we don’t remember them talking about martial law. Bongbong Marcos was then the crush ng bayan and I think I kept the Bulletin Today’s Panorama cover that had his handsome face.

Nowadays, the news still has their names, proving nothing much has changed, except for their age. One look at Senator Sotto, and you can’t help but notice. Some people, like former Senator Marcos, do manage to look young.

The Senate, though, must have had its share of snappy answers to stupid questions. Does a witness in a Senate hearing undergo many practices to ensure his answers are snappier?

Meanwhile, here’s one more meme on the hearing. Matobato: “Sa McDonald’s pinatay si Richard King.” McDonald: “Hello Jollibee? T*ngina pakawala mo to ano?”

Yes, Ronald McDonald has learned to curse like a sailor. And we may not have to make a wild guess on who the sailor is.

But talking about McDo evokes yummy memories filled with McChicken Sandwich, fries, and diet soda. Enough already. Tama na, sobra na, taba na. Hello, protein shakes!