What the heck?!

Rhona Canoy

SO… People who are quite familiar with me know that my verbosity knows no end. Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to listen to myself and have reached the conclusion that I’m an irritating conversationalist. Twenty words to your every one. That’s irritating. And I’ve been paying attention to the more frequently-used American idioms that spew out of my mouth without much thought, now trying to actually understand what they’re supposed to mean. Here are a few that are causing me distress at the moment.

Word to the wise. Really? I mean, how redundant could that possibly be? This phrase usually prefaces some unsolicited piece of advice so I suppose it’s meant to soften the blow. Until I thought about it. What the heck?! So what’s the point of giving a word to someone already wise? The supposition being that the person is already wise, and therefore probably not in need of any advice from an apparently inferior person. Or is it meant to point out that the advice-giver is wiser? Kind of offensive, I think.

Neither here nor there. Usually used when something is considered unimportant or irrelevant. In other words (here’s one more I shall deal with below), nowhere.  So if the point is irrelevant, is this just a polite way of saying, “Shut up”? Why bring it up in the first place? What the heck?!

In other words. Okay. This is self-explanatory. But what puzzles me is, more often than not, what follows is just one word (see above). What the heck?! Shouldn’t there be at least two to justify the plurality? So we should more be careful about using the phrase then. And isn’t this, too, kind of offensive? It assumes that the listener may not be capable of grasping the concept in its original expression hence the need for further clarification. Therefore, the sentence should be ended with “Duh”. Duh.

More often than not. What the heck?! If it occurs more often than not then it doesn’t need further emphasis. I guess one of those thoughtless redundancies that plague my vocabulary list. Trying to sound erudite? Just say “Most of the time.” And preferably only when one is talking to a stranger.

If/When the need arises. This must be on the top five of the stupid list. Really. What the heck?!  It means “in an emergency” or “if there is reason to”. Believe me, even without the emphasis people will reach out in an emergency, especially since we are a country trained to extend our hands out in a palm-facing-up manner. Even without being told.

For the most part. One of my biggest puzzles. Is this some form of built-in excuse or exit door? Oddly, I’ve never wondered what “for the least part” might entail. Until now. It sounds to me like a wishy-washy phrase. Not all. Not nothing. It’s like saying “mostly”. “I’m mostly fat.” So then “I’m fat, for the most part.” What the heck?! Softening the blow, are we? So the least part would be… what?

To say the least. Phrase that usually ends a 100-word sentence. What the heck?! Saying the least would be, uhmmmm… three words or less? Saying the least would be utter silence, wouldn’t you think? Here’s where “I’m going to shut up now” would be most appropriate.

At the end of the day. Meaning “After all is said and done”. I’m hitting two birds with one stone here to avoid further redundancy. But… what the heck?! At the end of the day is when all decorum is put away, the brassiere is unhooked, the stinky socks come out of their shoes and onto the coffee table, and the gallon-sized glass of wine makes its appearance. Shouldn’t the better phrase be “In conclusion”? And now I’m really puzzled.

Therefore, I have decided that when I’m most lucid and alert, I shall refrain from further using these puzzling and sometimes offensive idioms and let my words land where they may. I can’t promise anything, though. Old habits are really so very hard to break.

And can someone tell me exactly what a heck is?!