Narcissus unhinged

Rhona Canoy .

SO… It’s been just a little over two years since I started writing for this paper. I’m not sure if that’s too long or too little. It’s even more surprising that I’ve built up a little band of loyal readers considering that my meanderings are not what would be considered mainstream or popular opinion. So this week, this column is about me. I never really explained where I’m coming from and I suppose it’s about time I let you folks get a glimpse of the kaleidoscope I call my mind.

When I was first asked by Cong Corrales if I wanted to write for Gold Star Daily, I honestly didn’t think much about my answer because I found it amusing. Not the offer to write. Rather the thought of weekly exposing myself to anonymous readers (or worse, to those who think they know me well) filled me with mirth because I’ve always been difficult to figure out. And, really, friends and acquaintances don’t really know the depths of my ponderings and my angst.

In deciding to write an op-ed column, I laid down certain guidelines for myself. Knowing I wasn’t going to be able to contain my irreverence, the challenge was that it wasn’t going to be easy. There was some concern over how people would react to my thoughts and words. Until I remembered that I usually don’t give a rat’s ass what other people think of me. I also decided that I wasn’t going to waste my time reacting to whatever current issue was on the menu for the week. I’m not too interested in issues as much as I am in the reactions that people have to them. Besides, issues are transitory. Well, some may hang around for fifty years but eventually these too pass. Therefore, transitory.

In the two years that I have been writing this column, so many issues have floated down the river. And it has been interesting to watch the evolution of so many things—society and culture (most of which has been influenced by our access to the internet), child development (most of which causes me distress), parenthood (most of which bewilders and disappoints me), politics (most of which seem to be taking a giant leap backwards). And that’s not even the half of it.

Human behavior has always fascinated me. And still does. I suppose it always will. The “why people do what they do and think what they think” is always more fascinating because in the end it teaches me to conclude that I suppose I will never know what happened to people that makes them be the way they are. And yet, I can be as judgmental as the next a**hole. Although my desire to live has taught me to keep these judgments to myself. Occasionally, though, one will escape my clutches and give me a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease. But we are human after all, and we will be driven by what we each believe or disbelieve to act in the ways that we do. So thank you for providing me with endless entertainment. And giving life to my behavior voyeurism.

As the world gets more complicated and more connected (I hesitate to use the world global because I always think the word describes my physique), we hoomans show less and less interest in trying to figure out why we do what we do and think what we think. And as our world needs our help more and more, we show less and less interest in a universal desire to make our world a better place. We have evolved into egocentric and narcissistic creatures, only concerned about our own little world and our own well-being, which we forget depends largely on others.

When psychologists officially declared that excessive selfie-taking was a mental disorder, nobody paid attention. Nor is anyone paying attention now. We like to look at ourselves via our social media newsfeeds, our affirmation determined by how many likes we get, with the ultimate goal of going viral. Our self-worth and our view of the world are seen through the tiny screens of smartphones or smart gadgets. We read Facebook statuses and posts, but most of us haven’t picked up a book in years. We spend inordinate amounts of time in activities that fertilize our mental weeds, rather than nurturing and nourishing our minds and our souls.

Now that all the knowledge in the world is available at our fingertips without having to get up from the couch or look up at the world around us, we are choosing to be ignorant and, worst of all, reactive. We react to everything from a perspective that to me is incomprehensible. How the hell can anyone decide that they’ve learned all there is to learn? Or not want to learn any more? Or accept everything that is presented to them without question or doubt? What have we become?

Every Sunday, I stare at my computer screen at a loss for something to write about for the next week, wondering if the inkwell has finally run dry. Sometimes it upsets me that I seem to often sound critical of everything and everyone (yes, I looked through my archives). Especially since I seem to be alone in the wilderness. And yet, as is also my nature, I like to look for the little joys, the small triumphs of human nature, the tiny flashes of hope that keep me believing that things ain’t so bad.

So I guess I’m going to keep writing this column for a bit longer. If not to enlighten or to open someone’s mind, then at least to evoke a smile or some irritation at best. After all, I am unique in all the world.