Detours and mazes

Netnet Camomot .

ON All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day, the streets near cemeteries are peppered with detour signs which result to a maze that may lead to anywhere but the cemetery. All those long and winding roads—whew!

The Pinoy visiting his dearly departed is an annual tradition in Pinas. Not doing this may prompt the dead to haunt him for the rest of his life. Brrrrr. Scary. So, he fulfills this yearly obligation with the kind of commitment he also applies to Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Holy Week, Easter Sunday, and his hometown fiesta. He may forget to celebrate his birthday and wedding anniversary, but never any of those other important dates.

But the wise avoids the madding crowd on Nov. 1 and 2 and chooses to visit earlier—Oct. 29 to 31—or later—Nov. 3 and 4—which may inspire the Pinoy to ask, Where’s the thrill in that? Ho-hum.

Ghosts, however, may not evoke a ho-hum. Unless the ones spooking the Pinoy out of ennui are close family members, relatives and friends who are now presumably in heaven, and whose ghostly presence can only make him miss them more. When they do visit, the room turns icy cold, a freezing temperature that can be felt deep in the bones of the one being visited, and no blanket, no matter how thick, can help him stay warm. Whenever that happens at the crack of dawn, especially with the shadow of the dearly departed nearby, simply say this aloud: Hawa sa diha oi kay katulgon na ko. Yes, the shadow will disappear, and the room’s temperature returns to normal. Weird but true.

Or there’s the scent of fresh flowers and candles, and the sound of the dearly departed’s voices, whistles and footsteps. They’re there but they don’t understand why we can’t see and hear them.

If you’re afraid of ghosts, better be afraid of people who are alive and kicking and have the potential to ruin your life. Or watch HBO’s “Six Feet Under” which is about a family that owns a funeral home. It makes death look natural, normal and simple. When it was shown in 2001 to 2005, it prepared me for the worst.

Now, I don’t watch television anymore, to have more time to read books. On Sunday night, I was laughing so hard while reading Jane Heller’s “Sis Boom Bah,” with much thanks to these lines:

“She hesitated, then stepped forward and air-kissed me, with the affection of a python.”

“‘I’ll do my best to live up to the organization’s high standards,’ I said, feeling as if I’d just enlisted in the marines.”

“I wanted to break open a bottle of champagne. Over his head.”

“…he was wearing enough cologne to marinate a leg of lamb.”

If you’re now laughing, too, welcome to the Mababaw ang Kaligayahan Club.

Unlike watching television or a movie where you can laugh with family and friends, laughing while reading a book is an alone-at-last moment when you realize, Oh, I’m the only one here. The next funny line appears, you’re laughing again, and there’s that realization again: Oh, there’s no one else here. That can go on and on until you’ve finished reading the book and it’s now time to move forward to the next one.

Reading and writing are done alone, which proves that a committee is overrated. “Too many cooks spoil the broth,” as the saying goes.

Still, there are people who do need minions and yes men for survival. It’s understandable and even expected for a country’s president to have a posse but they may not be minions and yes men who genuflect whenever he’s around.

But when a barangay kagawad also has a posse whose job description is to boost his ego, what kind of a government official will he be in case he levels up to infinity and beyond? Hmmm. He will become the most insecure official ever since his confidence depends on the chorus of yeses from his minions who, of course, are bent on making their gullible boss win despite the blahs and duhs echoing from his non-existent brain. In the end, the blah-and-duh boss will be the winner in his own mind, courtesy of the award that his minions have created. Pathetic, eh?

When the going gets tough in a world populated by the gullible and their preys, here are some words of wisdom from my late maternal Lola: “Kalibutan pa lang ni.”

The days of saints and souls, though, have morphed into a Halloween party at least for a Cagayan de Oro memorial park which, aside from promoting Halloween, also tends to install a colorful tarpaulin at its entrance announcing discount promos for its products and services. The advertisement does not blatantly promote a buy-one-take-one for coffins, but it’s almost there, perhaps with this quotation in mind: “In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.”

It’s time for the Bureau of Internal Revenue to also put up tarpaulins near its offices, featuring the perks—and only the perks—of the Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion a.k.a. Train so that the Pinoy will look forward to paying his monthly, quarterly and annual taxes. Yay.